Affairs shouldn't make good television

... because affairs can really, really hurt.

If you're a partner, or a daughter, or a sibling, or a cousin; affairs can pull a family apart.

I don't understand how or why that is drama, why it is essentially used to make good TV. There is nothing entertaining about someone's life being pulled apart because someone else is having an affair. There's nothing engaging about watching someone's life being pulled to pieces because they find an email, or a text, that turns their whole life upside down. Affairs are not pieces of entertainment. They are real life, and serious situations, and they shouldn't be cast aside because someone else seems to have it worse, or because it's broadcast so often that we don't even notice it anymore.

I remember, like it is engraved onto every pinacle of my brain, the day I found out that Dad was having an affair. I remember losing myself, quietly, in fragments, when I was threatened, when it was denied, when I was told that it was my fault. I remember curling up in a ball, crying myself into some disturbed dream-like state that was neither awake nor asleep, and wishing that those pincers that were surrounding me would withdraw somehow.

Even now, writing that, I feel like it's dramatic, or that I'm over-exaggerating or being over-zealous with some kind of made-up truth that people never apologise for or refuse to acknowledge. Within a week, everyone expects you to be back to 'normal' again, whatever that is. Every word that is uttered is met with a roll of the eyes and a sigh of repetition. So you stop feeling anything. And you lose yourself.

Disintegrating.

I guess, what I'm trying to say and not articulating very well, is that no problem should ever be played down. No issue that anyone has should be laughed off. Every situation or feeling or emotion is real, and important, and valid, to the person who is experiencing it. Every single one. And it's so frustrating that these problems are a means to entertain. They're more than that. They're precious, and should be treated as such.

I'm trying to think of a way to round this off and I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I just wish that people wouldn't try to belittle people's problems. There's enough shit in this world without us turning on each other.

A letter.

Dear 13 year old self,

Don’t take things to heart. If you do that then you’ll only end up being hurt faster and harder. You do not have to please everyone. You don’t have to be perfect. Don’t obsess about things that don’t matter. Let the definition of beautiful adapt itself to you, not the way in which you believe it should be done. Live in the moment, don’t think about the past or the future; only now. In fact, don’t think about other people’s opinions in general. They’re not always right. You need to look after yourself now because in the future, you won’t do such a good job of it. Please try to be confident within yourself. If you do that then people respect you more and you’ll gain more success and happiness. Find people that wish to love you for you, rather than the other way around. Don’t judge those people on a first appearance and get to know them, they might surprise you.

Watch Disney movies as they’ll bring a tear to your eye and laughter to your lips. Do things that you enjoy. Be the person that you want to be and don’t let anyone else bring you down, they’re not worth it. Try believing that you are. Believe you’re a good person and follow through.

Take care of yourself, you never know when you’ll need that most.

Love, your 19 year old self.

P.S. I almost forgot; for goodness sake, stop worrying!

It's okay to ask for help. Always.

I’m Annabelle, 22, and I’m not entirely sure how to start this, because I don’t want my mental health problems to define me, but I don’t know who I would be without them. I’ve never been formally diagnosed with anything, as I worry about the stigma associated with a diagnosis. It works for me, because now I have a team who are very supportive and do what they can to help me. They understand that my possible diagnoses: BPD, depression and anxiety, would cause me distress – especially BPD, because I have been to A&E and professionals enough times in the past, to know that you don’t even need the diagnosis to experience the related discrimination.

I think, for me, it’s hard because I have been experiencing mental health problems for as long as I can remember. I started cutting when I was 14 and I was hitting things before that. A lot of my developmental and adolescent years revolved around travelling from one crisis to the next, with me trying to keep as much to myself as possible, because people either didn’t know what to do with me, were frustrated by me, or were scared due to a lack of understanding. It upset me because we were taught nothing in school and, for my part, I know the statistics are that 1 in 10 people self-harm and 1 in 4 experience a mental health problem, so why were we taught nothing? It breeds discrimination through fear, because no one wants to show themselves up.

I wasn’t entirely sure where I was going to go with this and I’ve found I can go a few ways, so I might do separate entries for those. I think, for me, the most important thing was what it was that I actually needed since, even now, people don’t know and it's not that anyone should know as such, it's that blame can be thrown your way due to this. Labelling someone as attention-seeking, manipulative or a waste of resources is unhelpful. It feeds an already over-flowing cauldron of self-hatred and I felt like I was permanently on a rollercoaster and I wasn’t strapped in. I had enduring issues that never seemed to lessen (and, even now, I wonder if they’ll ever go, but now I also have a slither of confidence that they will) and I was trapped in a box that was getting smaller by the second. I couldn’t move or think or breathe without wanting to hurt myself and I didn’t know why, and nor did anybody else, so I assumed there was something wrong with me. I still think that, but I am doing a lot better now.

I’ve taken a while getting to this, I know, but sometimes I think it helps for me to describe what it is like, because it’s hard to talk about it when you’re caught in the moment and stuck in the secret, and it’s difficult to understand if you haven’t been through it, and the situation is different for everyone. I just wanted someone to listen. I wanted someone to take the time to be kind to me, to help me look after myself and to make me feel safer - even if this meant just knowing they were there, if I needed them. I wanted someone to inspire my independence and help me help myself along the road to recovery, and I didn’t want them to betray me and let me down. A great deal of people in my life had hurt me, and that can stop you from reaching out. Even when you think you are talking, you aren’t, and that can leave both you and other people frustrated. That word ‘help’ is stubborn and just won't come out.

I guess, what I’m saying, is that I needed someone to persevere with me, someone who wouldn’t let me push them away. I wanted someone to give me enough time to be myself but to show me that I didn’t have to do everything on my own, and to reassure me that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t all my fault. I was hurting a lot, and sometimes people seem to think that it isn’t real, because you can’t see it. Maybe though, it’s okay to admit that you don’t understand something and to ask questions about it – I’d always answer if people asked me. Attaching critical labels to someone means they can lose themselves, and you have to work that much harder to get yourself back.

I am doing better now and that’s because of tenacity and patience on my part and on other people’s. The people I see now are open-minded and will not take it personally if I lash out of them. They know that recovery is not all plain sailing. It's a rocky road full of twists and turns that you don't always think you'll manage to get through, but at least I'm on it. It takes work to prove to yourself that you are worth it (and you are) and that you are a good person. Sometimes you need a supportive hand to get there. Everybody needs somebody sometimes and you should never be ashamed of that. It’s human nature. And I guess, what I’m saying, is that it’s always, always okay to ask for help when you need it, whatever the problem is. This is vitally important and should never be downplayed.

It is okay to ask for help. Remember that.

Fifty shades of Annabelle.

My friend is doing the '50 random facts' list - or whatever quirky nickname it has - and challenged me to do the same, so I thought I'd give it a go, even though I have no idea what I will write and I haven't even started!

1. I am studying a degree in Psychology. I didn't study Psychology at A level, because the course was not great at my school, and I discovered my love of the subject in my first year at a different university (during which time I chose the wrong course but it's all good now!).
2. I am vegetarian. I think you call it lacto-ovo vegetarian because I consume dairy but not meat or gelatine products. I decided to become vegetarian because I read a book including factory farming but a friend helped, using Lent, for me to take the real step.
3. Caffeine makes up a lot of my diet. I will never (rarely) say no to a cup of tea.
4. I love drawing; particularly animals and cartoons from movies that I enjoy. I like drawing people but I'm not very good at that. I hope to start painting in the future.
5. Sometimes when I am stressed I will draw a scribble on paper and colour it in. It takes me about an hour (concentration-dependent) and I have done it since I was young. 
6. I can get really obsessive about things. If I like a song, I'll play it over and over again. If I like a movie, the same thing happens. It's the same with exercise, or writing, or anything that I do. There is no 'moderate' level.
7. Time means a lot to me. I base a lot of my thoughts around time and I like to arrive places exactly at the correct minute.
8. My cats mean the world to me. I don't know what I would do without them.
9. Dancing makes me feel good about myself, and confident. I can lose myself in the music and, if I am nervous about something, I will think about a song in my head and 'dance' to it to put me back within my comfort zone mentally.
10. I plan to get a tattoo of a butterfly one day. I don't know where exactly and I'm not sure on the specifics of the design, but I know I want a butterfly because it represents a lot of things for me.
11. I can appear to be very open without talking about anything at all.
12. I write. A lot. I do not have a 'concise' button. Writing helps me process things and I love the use of language and words. They are fascinating.
13. I'm particular about spelling. If I don't know the spelling of a word, I have to look it up and cannot let it slide and spell it incorrectly. It's the same with the meaning of a word.
14. I have a Tumblr. I acquired my current Tumblr in November 2013. I find it really helpful as I make it positive, so that when I feel bad, I can read something positive, and fairly realistic, to help me keep going. A lot of quotes I reblog, I have heard people say or mean something to me.
15. I write poetry. I love writing poetry. I don't believe that there are set rules for writing poetry and if someone says something is a poem, it is.
16. My mind works in a very 'black and white' way. Something either is, or it isn't. It is the same with people. I find people's 'grey'-ness, hard to understand and I easily misinterpret situations.
17. I worry a lot.
18. This year; 2014, I have made it my aim to write something positive every day and put it in a jar. At the end of this year, I will read everything that I have written and I'm really excited about that.
19. I want to travel to every continent; including Antarctica. I want to see the Northern Lights, Australia, to meet people from many cultures and dialects. So far, I've travelled to Europe, Florida, Kenya and India.
20. Going to Kenya is one of my biggest achievements to date. I hate anybody looking at me and I taught 112 children in one of the classes there and it was terrifying, but one of the children ran all the way home to bring me a present, which is hanging over my television in my room.
21. Harry Potter is amazing. I love it. I read it a lot as a child. It's just, yeah, Harry Potter is great.
22. I over-use the word 'amazing'.
23. When I am writing, I don't like using the same descriptive word in the same paragraph or on the same page. 
24. I love numbers. I break everything down into numbers. That's what focusses me because my head likes manipulating them.
25. This year I will be about three years free (bar a few slip-ups) of purging.
26. My favourite animals are butterflies, dolphins, elephants and tigers. Oh, and cats, and dogs. I love animals. I don't even know why I'm picking favourites!
27. I find it hard to make decisions.
28. I'm always surprised when someone likes me!
29. My car is a Peugeot 205, G-reg, white, and I love it. It's quirky, and nearly 25, and I am delighted about this. My car is a little place of my own.
30. I've always wanted to be a lead role/singer in a play, but I could never tell anyone this [properly] and I don't think I'd have the guts.
31. I am exceptionally sarcastic.
32. When I am passionate about something, I find it very hard not to talk about it!
33. I am hyper-sensitive and feel things very strongly. The tiniest thing can send me into a tailspin.
34. I want to work with children once I graduate, either via the psychotherapy route or in residential care or in the charity sector.
35. I want to advocate for the equality of mental health or disability, or any reason people could get discriminated against.
36. I am honest - sometimes too honest - and this can get me into a mess sometimes.
37. Once I start a task I have to finish it.
38. I'm not the best at receiving compliments. I will say 'thank you' and be okay about it but my head is exploding!
39. I love positive quotes. I have books of them and made one of my own.
40. I have two middle names. One is a family name; Helen.
41. I like the fact I can read number plates and know basic cars. I find it interesting. I am finding cars more interesting the older I get.
42. I have a bit of a sweet tooth!
43. I am a strong advocate of 'never talk to strangers' and, when I talk to children about this, I will use my own experience of when a stranger asked me to get in the car (I think he was later arrested) because the children seem to listen more when it's the real deal.
44. Music is an escape for me. I love singing to the songs from movies and love listening to words, and beats, and melodies. I have never really been good at playing an instrument but I have always wanted to sing.
45. I'm a perfectionist.
46. My hair is continually static, whenever, and I have no idea why.
47. I always wear a long black vest top under anything I wear and prefer jumpers and shirts, and boots, to any type of outfit.
48. I don't like clothes shopping, I prefer shopping online.
49. I love listening to people; customers (unless they're annoying!), random people, friends, anyone, to find out more about the reality of their life and how they experience the world, but I'm not always great at striking up that conversation.
50. Although I can come across as negative, I don't think I am fundamentally a negative person and I get irritated with myself for being negative in any way.

Okay, so those are the 50 things! I might change it if I think of something else (always so many things!) or yeah, I don't know, but there you go! That was quite fun. I challenge you to write 50 facts about yourself so I can get to know you!

Cyberbullying.

The term 'cyberbullying' has been thrown around the media in a way that almost makes it unnoticeable. We read of paedophilia, porn sites, the effects on children, and this can sometimes make cyberbullying an 'it-could-never-happen-to-me' phenomenon but, the truth is, we are closer than we think. We are putting ourselves out there more and more online. We are exposing more of ourselves on sites like Facebook, on forums and blog sites where we have no idea of the audience, and talking to people we would never have met without the internet. This is incredible, as we can glimpse cultures we wouldn't otherwise have known and meet people from many different areas of the life spectrum. However, we can also see more of the darker side of human nature, and that isn't something that ends up being easy.

The internet is very easy to manipulate. You can create an image of yourself, as the person that you'd like other people to see and, since you aren't in physical contact with these people, they only see the 'good' side of you. We try to teach this to children, to stress that E-safety is of  utmost importance and it is, it's just, we never really got taught about it ourselves. Our children are learning things we never learned and the trouble is, when you do learn them, you learn the hard way.

My experience of the internet as a negative force hit me quite hard. Well, in truth, it hit me very hard and I can't say that I am thrilled with the way I coped with it. I've come out the other side now, I'd like to say, but I still get a jolt here and there when I see people communicating with those people who really, really hurt me. I'm not for a second saying that they shouldn't, I'm just saying that it hurts.

The trouble with being online is that you don't see all sides of the story. When you are receiving messages undermining you and your personality, only you and the senders are seeing those messages. You are trapped, frozen, because the senders are painting you out to be a difficult, unreasonable person and you don't feel as though you have any evidence to the contrary. You don't want to seem like a snitch, or seem like you're whining, or as though you're simply being paranoid, because, in your mind, that's how other people might perceive you. After all, the messages don't necessarily say anything properly insulting, they are more a sly attack on your character and who you are, so you're caught between a rock and a hard place, and you have no idea what is being said to anybody else or who, if anyone, you can trust. You can't tell anyone because, after all, what could you say? These people said that I didn't care about my friends? That I came across as arrogant? Nevermind that conversations such as these may have gone on for hours, or, in a sense, for months. People might laugh. These people were your friends. Isn't it just friendly banter? Aren't you just making a mountain out of a molehill? People might wonder why you are getting upset about something so trivial. I mean, we come across negative opinions every single day, why would this be any different?

What I am saying - or trying to - is that cyberbullying can take place in many forms. We read about it being a certain way but it can present in so many others. No one way is harder than another. No one way should be written off because it is not 'bad enough' or because you don't 'see' it or because you have mutual friends with the people in question. It still feels like sometimes there is a knife in your chest and it is twisting. And, the trouble is, no matter how much you block these people out of your life, they're still going to have mutual friends with them, and it is still going to feel like they're working against you, every single day.

It’s time to talk.
Time to listen.
'Strike up a conversation.

Turn the kettle on.
Invite someone to have a chat.
Meet everybody with a smile.
Email a friend you’d lost contact with.

Text somebody.
Open your door.

Take some time to learn and think
And remember you are not alone
Let yourself speak, and listen too
Know that someone will always be there for you.

I want you to do something for me. You can close your eyes if you wish, but don't feel pressured to. I want you to think about yourself. I want you to imagine those words in your head. I want you to notice them. Do not fixate on them, just notice them. Think about them. Think about whether they are good or bad. Think about which ones step forward in your mind. Are those words good or bad?

Now I want you to think about those words that you used to negatively describe yourself. Think about when you first started to dislike yourself. How old were you? For me, I was 7 years old, so for the purpose of this exercise, we shall use that age. Tailor the age to the one that is in your head.

Imagine yourself as that seven year old. Imagine that seven year old child sitting across the room from you; on the bed, the sofa, a chair, the floor... wherever feels comfortable. Turn and look at the seven year old child. Now tell the child all those horrible things that you just thought about yourself. Go on, say it. Say it to the child. Tell her/him that they are nasty, evil, useless, pathetic, fat, horrible... Tell this to a child.

Was it hard to tell a seven year old that they were evil? Did it sit right?

I saw this exercise or exchange on My Mad Fat Diary, in Monday (31st March)'s episode. I admit that I might not have written it well, it was aired on a comedy drama and I am not qualified in any way to know what I am talking about but, regardless of all of that, I think that the scene held a powerful message. The little girl or boy inside of you still exists, s/he's still there, and every time that you tell yourself that you are horrible, you are telling the child inside you too.

"Remember that little girl/boy, s/he is counting on you to protect her/him." I think that's true. There is a child within us all and who is going to protect that child if we don't? The child and ourselves, we are one and the same, and, perhaps, we need to start being kind to ourselves as we would a child, who is perfectly innocent and kind and loving. I guess it hit me because I never really thought of it that way and, when you keep this in the forefront of your mind, well, it's hard to be horrible to a child, even if you want to be horrible to yourself.

I decided to wake up my old blogger, though I have deleted the previous posts that I had on this blog because they seem like a life time ago and I am not the same person I was back then. I've always wanted to have a blog and, I suppose, in a way, I have always engaged in blog type activities, be that in the form of my previous blog, or Tumblr, or LiveJournal, or something. I like writing. It's a good way to express yourself in a way that gives you space to breathe and think about what you want to say, rather than tripping up on your words and not managing to form an articulate sentence...

So a bit about myself. I'm Annabelle. I'm 22 (I very nearly said 21 but who's counting... *cough*don't-want-to-get-old*cough*). I am in second year, studying a BSc Psychology at university. I like tea, my cats, dancing, my friends and the sunshine. When I can, I draw and write. Maybe my blog will be a space for that, I don't know?

I think that's all for now, since I don't want to bore you, so get back to your cup of tea and/or Saturday night television and relax a little :).